Blues Notes

Being Real With Myself

While reading about defining love on my fellow blogger Don’s blog, I got to thinking about the way my last lover responded when I told him “I love you” for the first time.

We were in Florida on vacation. We met up with one of his school buddies and his girlfriend (now wife) at the mall. Watching the loving interactions between the couple caused me to channel in on my own feelings toward my manfriend. As we rode down the escalator, I whispered in his ear, “I love you.” I felt all warm and tingly inside as the words so easily fell from my lips.

He touched my hand and said, “Awww, thanks Jewells.”

WTF?!?!

Thanks???

I just spilled my heart out to you, opened up my heart in a way I hadn’t in yeeeeears and all you can say is thanks.

At that moment I wanted to hop in my car, leave his ass in his realm of appreciation, and drive back solo to Atlanta. But I didn’t.

I shrugged it off as though my feelings weren’t hurt. I acted like I was cool that he wasn’t on the same emotional level that I was on. In actuality, that is the moment I fell out of love with him. I could not for the life of me understand how this man could have brushed off my feelings as though it was a nagging fly on his shoulder.

Though we were only two months (we had been friends for eight months prior to the relationship) into our relationship (that lasted one month shy of two years), I could not reopen my heart toward him the way that I had in the beginning. I made myself love him again over time, but that love was not genuine. What I felt left that day on the escalator. Instead of loving him, I began to fall in love with the idea of being in love. The idea of spending my life with this man, marrying him and having his babies. It was the concept, the idea and not the truth.

Recently, he shared with me that one of the reasons he decided to end the relationship was because I was not forthright in my feelings toward him. In all honesty, that was because every time that I shared my feelings with him, I ended up disappointed. Instead of sharing with him, I kept everything inside to keep the peace and to preserve the illusion of happiness.

Side note: I realized I loved him when hanging with the couple … the same couple whose wedding we attended when we broke up. Ironic, huh?

In retrospect, our relationship began as a friendship that should have stayed that way.

Blessings & Prosperity!

This is Jewells signing out…

Discussion Points

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s